Amending the husband.

The husband is the family's fundament, basis of stability and blissfulness; he is the spring of optimism and hope for the family. To talk about amending the family without the husband being part of it is to be sure that reformation will not take place. The family will never attain stability and righteousness as long as the father remains far from the method and components of amendment.

A family’s life might lose stability and the Divine affection placed by Allah The Almighty between the spouses might be abolished as a result of devilish and haphazard behavior on the part of the head of the family; the husband can turn his family’s life into a nightmare, making the wife and children shocked by behavior that shakes their feelings, deprives their hearts of tranquility, and turns their life into confusion and trouble instead of affection and stability.

Islam is keen on the stability of the family; therefore, it gave the wife different ways to amend the husband and restore him to his blissful family, pleasant life and great responsibilities. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is Ever, with what you do, Acquainted.} [Quran 4:128]

Al-Qurtubi  may  Allah  have  mercy  upon  him said, “’Contempt’ in the verse stands for aloofness, and ‘evasion’ means not to speak nor be affable with her. In this verse, the Quran systematizes the husband's state of evasion when it is feared to occur and threaten not only the security and dignity of the wife, but also the safety of the entire family. No doubt, the hearts always turn from one state to another and feelings change from time to time; and Islam is a method of life to treat each particle and handle any changes.”

Islam made all the parties of the house share the responsibility for its stability, calmness and reassurance: it made the husband responsible for amending his house and his wife, and the wife, in turn, is responsible for maintaining and looking after her house, as well as for amending and looking after her husband. This responsibility is shared by both of them and is the safety-belt of the family to ensure that it is not disbanded or scattered.

However, the Prophetic Sunnah that explains and explicates the Quran, clarified a lot of details concerning these responsibilities.

Concerning the state under discussion i.e. the state of the husband's contempt and aversion, harshness and evasion of his wife, Islam allows the woman to intervene and handle the problem and restore the husband to quiet living and a blissful house, and to use different ways that vary according to the state of people and their way of living.

Ways to amend the husband

1- Dialogue in the manner that is best: among the problems from which families suffer these days is the lack of ways that spouses communicate with each other, which are always cut off or at least rarely followed.

The woman's wisdom to guard her house requires her to remove difficulties from the ways family members communicate, make them seem natural in the marital life, and avoid unreasonable contention and obstinacy which is one of the reasons why the gap between spouses widens. Although unreasonable contention is a destructive emotional ailment, it is easily cured.

2- Devotion to serving him; and it is required under Sharee‘ah in normal cases, and more precisely in such cases, for it makes the husband closer and more likely to accept her and makes her swifter to enter his heart; furthermore, it strengthens the marital relations between them.

There are countless verses and Hadeeths saying that it is obligatory for the wife to obey her husband. More importantly, the man should learn that his wife might be either a cause of happiness or wretchedness. For this reason, the woman should show to her husband the causes of happiness and bliss: “Three [things] are [a manifestation of] happiness for the son of Aadam and another three are wretchedness for him: it is bliss for the son of Aadam to have a good woman, a good residence and a good riding mount; and it is wretched for the son of Aadam to have a foul woman, a bad residence and an unpleasant riding mount.” [Ahmad]

Men should know the importance of having a good, righteous wife at home, as it is one of the most important causes of happiness in life; and this could be achieved only by her devotion to serve him and look after his household.

3- Mediation of the wife's father: if all these attempts fail, another step, more significant and serious in the sight of the husband, is required, i.e. the intervention of the wife's good righteous father. Great emphasis should be placed upon his being good and righteous, whose main concern is to protect the life and family of his daughter, and always seek to alleviate, wisely and rationally, the severity of tension between his daughter and her husband.

This was the case of Faatimah, may Allah be pleased with her, with her husband ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him. It is narrated on the authority of Sahl ibn Sa‘d As-Saa‘idi, may Allah be pleased with him, that he said:

Once the Messenger of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) went to the house of Faatimah but did not find ‘Ali in the house. So, he asked: “Where is your paternal cousin?” She replied, “There was something [a quarrel] between me and him whereupon he got angry with me and went out without having a midday nap at home.” The Messenger of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) asked someone to look for him. That person came and said, “O Messenger of Allah! He [‘Ali] is sleeping in the mosque.” So, the Messenger of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) went there and found him lying with his upper garment having fallen to one side of his body to which some dust stuck. The Messenger of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) started wiping the dust off him, saying: “Get up, O Abu Turaab [you dusty man]! Get up, O Abu Turaab!” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

The wife's father here had a big heart, mature awareness, fine speech, and a sense of humor that went to the heart and removed the anger and aversion that lurked there.

4- Mediation of good righteous friends: good righteous friends may influence the husband particularly if he respects them, their knowledge and trustworthiness and if their words have an effect on him and his behavior.

In this respect, it is narrated on the authority of Abu Juhayfah, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Prophet,  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ), made a bond of brotherhood between Salmaan and Abu Ad-Dardaa', may Allah be pleased with them. Salmaan paid a visit to Abu Ad-Dardaa' and found his wife Umm Ad-Dardaa', may Allah be pleased with her, dressed in shabby clothes (this was before Hijaab was ordained) and asked her why she looked like that. She replied, “Your brother, Abu Ad-Dardaa', has no need for [the pleasures of] this world.” When (it was night and a part of the night passed and) Abu Ad-Dardaa' had gotten up to offer the night prayer, Salmaan told him to go to sleep and Abu Ad-Dardaa' slept. After sometime, Abu Ad-Dardaa' again got up but Salmaan told him to go back to sleep once more. When it was the last hours of the night, Salmaan told him to get up, and then both of them offered prayer. Salmaan told Abu Ad-Dardaa', may Allah be pleased with them both, “Your soul has a right over you, your Lord has a right over you, your guest has a right over you, and your family has a right over you. So, give everyone who has a right over you their due right.” Abu Ad-Dardaa' and Salmaan, may Allah be pleased with them, went to the Prophet,  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ), and narrated the whole story to him. The Prophet,  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ), said: “Salmaan has spoken the truth.” [Al-Bukhari and At-Tirmithi]

5- Mediation of good righteous relatives: This might be needed in an advanced stage of dissension. In confirmation of that, Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is Ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].} [Quran 4:35]

Nevertheless, this is an important means of healing that gives life to the marital life, clears the atmosphere, and removes the small impurities of ignorance from it. Here both arbitrators should show both parties their rights and duties.

However, the wife's indulgence and negligence in following up on the mistakes of her husband in an attempt to rectify and reduce them bring about many dispensable problems that are unnecessary for the house, including:

·        The husband's contempt, evasion and aversion.

·        Alienation between spouses i.e. psychological divorce.

·        Children torn between their conflicting parents.

·        The loss of the marital bond.

Kindness at home.

Islam is a beautiful religion, full of wisdom and harmony. If this wonderful religion is followed properly then a typical Muslim would only be a great example to follow. The Prophet said: "The most perfect believer in faith is the one who is best in moral character..." [At-Tirmithi]

Spreading kindness at home:

'Aa'ishah said: "The Messenger of Allah said: '"When Allah, The Almighty,Wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.'" [Ahmad]

According to another report: "When Allah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them." [Ibn Abu Ad-Dunyaa] In other words, they start to be kind to one another.

This is one of the means of attaining happiness at home, for kindness is very beneficial between the spouses, and with the children, and it brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness, as the Prophet said: "Allah loves kindness and rewards for it in such a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else." [Muslim]

Helping the wife with the housework:

Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work. The Messenger of Allah however, used to "sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes and do whatever other work men do in their homes." [Ahmad]

This is how 'Aa'ishah responded when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah used to do in his house; she described what she herself had seen. According to another report, she said: "He was like any other human being; he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself." [Ahmad]

She was also asked about what the Messenger of Allah used to do in his house, and she said, "He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray." [Al-Bukhari]

If we Muslim men were to do likewise nowadays, we would achieve three things:

1. We would be following the example of the Prophet .

2. We would be helping our wives.

3. We would feel more humble and down to earth.

These narrations should act as a reminder to those men, who demand food instantly from their wives, when the pot is on the stove and the baby is screaming to be fed; they do not pick up the child or wait a little while for the food.

Being affectionate towards and joking with the members of the family:

Showing affection towards one's wife and children is one of the things that lead to creating an atmosphere of happiness and friendliness in the home. Thus the Messenger of Allah advised Jaabir to marry a virgin, saying, "Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you laugh?" [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

The Prophet also said: "Everything in which Allah's name is not mentioned is idleness and play, except for four things: a man playing with his wife..." [An-Nasaa'ee]

The Prophet used to treat his wife 'Aa'ishah affectionately when performing Ghusl (ritual bath) with her, as she said: "The Messenger of Allah and I used to perform Ghusl together from one vessel, and he would playfully pretend to take all the water so that I would say, 'Leave some for me, leave some for me.'" [Muslim]

The ways in which the Prophet showed affection towards young children are too famous to need mentioning. He often used to show his affection towards his grandchildren Hasan and Husayn. This is probably one of the reasons why the children used to rejoice when he came back from traveling; they would rush to welcome him, as reported in the following authentic narration: "Whenever he came back from a journey, the children of his household would be taken out to meet him." He used to hug them close to him, as 'Abdullaah Ibn Ja'far said: "Whenever the Prophet came back from a journey, we would be taken out to meet him (to the boundaries of Al-Madeenah). One day we met him, Hasan, Husayn and I. He carried one of us in front of him (on his animal), and another on his back, until we entered Al-Madeenah." [Muslim]

Compare this with the situation in some miserable homes where there is no joking or playing, affection or mercy among its members. Whoever thinks that kissing his children goes against the dignity of fatherhood should read the following narration reported from Abu Hurayrah who said:

"The Messenger of Allah kissed Al-Hasan Ibn 'Ali, and Al-Aqra' Ibn Haabis At-Tameemi was sitting with him. Al-Aqra' said: 'I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them.' The Messenger of Allah looked at him and said: 'The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.'" [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

Mutual Rights-Good Companionship - I

The mutual rights that Allah The Almighty has enjoined on both the spouses represent His utmost justice. There are two major rights. There are two main rights: the right to good companionship, and the right to overnight stay and equal distribution. In this series we will address the first of these rights.

First: The right to good companionship

Muslims will never find happiness or tranquility in their homes unless they live together in a kind manner. Allah The Almighty enjoined the right of good companionship because it helps maintain the affairs of the spouses and brings them happiness. Moreover, it was set to serve as a real test for the spouses. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And live with them in kindness.} [Quran 4:19] This is a command from Allah The Almighty, which implies a sense of obligation. Scholars said that living in kindness is an obligatory right whose violator bears a sin while the one who fulfils it deserves reward. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {Either retain them in kindness or part with them kindness.} [Quran 65:2]

Good companionship requires essential matters that appear in a person’s heart, which is only known to Allah The Almighty, in his speech and words and in his behavior and actions.

Intention:

Good companionship has three aspects, the first and foremost of which is the intention and what is hidden in the hearts of the spouses. The husband cannot live in kindness with his wife, nor can she live in kindness with him unless each has a good intention towards the other. This is what Allah The Almighty means by his Saying (what means): {And do not keep them, intending harm, to transgress [against them].} [Quran 2:231] If the husband wants to keep his wife, he should have a good intention towards her. Therefore, scholars have said that Allah The Almighty reveals whatever man conceals in his heart, good or bad, in the slips of his tongue. For the man who intends good when marrying a woman or bringing her into wedlock with the intention to treat her kindly and live with her in kindness, Allah will guide him and grant him success in his life. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {If Allah Knows [any] good in your hearts, He Will Give you [something] better.} [Quran 8:70]

When Allah The Almighty finds good intentions in the hearts of the spouses, He will grant them success in their apparent behavior and actions and bring about goodness through them.

Thus, the first advice given to the person who wants to live in kindness is to have good intention. Some scholars said that the husband has to renew his intention every day so that Allah The Almighty would increase his reward, particularly when his wife is righteous or has an extra right over him, such as being his relative. He should have in his heart a good intention towards her, and in this case, Allah The Almighty would reveal this intention through his sayings and actions. Similarly, the woman should have in her heart good intention towards her husband. Once this intention changes, Allah The Almighty will change the conditions of the spouses. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.} [Quran 13:11]

When the spouses change their good intentions, Allah The Almighty will consequently change their conditions from good to evil, and from better to worse. Thus, every husband should consider his intention and look into his heart when he suffers troubles with his wife. In principle, good companionship emanates from good and righteous intention, and from a heart that harbors goodness. The effects of these things are reflected on a person’s actions. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Indeed, there is a piece of flesh in the body which, if it is sound, the whole body is sound, and if it is corrupt, the whole body is corrupt. Indeed, that is the heart.”

Speech:

The second point related to good companionship in one's speech is that just as man should have good intention in his heart in order to live in kindness, his speech should also be in accordance with the Pleasure of Allah The Almighty. Some scholars said regarding {And live with them in kindness} that kindness is everything that is in accordance with the Sharee‘ah of Allah The Almighty, and that evil is everything that contradicts the Sharee‘ah of Allah The Almighty. Thus, the husband, who wants to live on good terms with his wife, should fear Allah The Almighty regarding what he say, and likewise for wife. The principle that the Book of Allah and Sunnah of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) have affirmed is that every believing man and woman should preserve his/her tongue and utter good words. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say something good or keep silent.”

The signs of belief in Allah The Almighty include controlling one's tongue from saying anything but good to people in general and the family in particular. Allah The Almighty enjoined the believers in the past, addressing us as well, Saying (what means): {And speak to people good [words].} [Quran 2:83] Allah The Almighty ordered us to say good words that please Him, because good words benefit the person who says them both in this world and in the Hereafter. On the other hand, bad words harm the speaker in this life and in the Hereafter. When words emerge from the tongue, they never return, and when hurtful and harsh words are uttered, they break hearts, ruin them and alter affection and love to an extent that only Allah Knows. Allah The Almighty therefore enjoined preserving the tongue in the Quran and through the words of His Messenger  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ).

Scholars listed the situations in which living in kindness through speech occurs between the spouses:

1- When the spouses call one another.

2- When they request something from one another.

3- During discussion, conversation and jesting.

4- In disputes and arguments.

1- When the woman calls her husband or when he calls her, it should be done in a nice manner. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) would call 'Aa‘ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, saying: “O 'Aa‘ish, O 'Aa‘ish.” Scholars said that this manner of calling his wife showed how the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) honored, jested and fulfilled his role as a good husband to his wives. This is a method for Muslim husbands - to use words of love and kindness when calling their wives. Harsh and coarse addressing, which involves a coercive and forceful style on the part of the husband or mockery and sarcasm on the part of the wife, ruins love and severs ties of intimacy between the spouses. Thus, the wife should call her husband by the best names and so should her husband.

‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said that affection and love increases when a Muslim calls his Muslim brother with the best of his names. This is one of the three factors that strengthen intimacy among Muslims, so what would be its effect on the spouses? It is a mistake when the husband chooses for his wife a name that embarrasses her or exposes her to ridicule or belittlement. The same thing applies to the wife with her husband. Some scholars would say that it is preferable that the spouses do not call one other by their names; it is most honorable that they call each other by their nicknames (i.e. father of so and so or mother of so and so). This is the best manner to adopt. Scholars have also said that when a husband is used to calling his wife affectionately, she does the same or even better since women were created inclined to affection and love for gentleness, mercy and intimacy. So, when the husband treats his wife on that basis, she would react with him in a better way.

2- When the man requests something from his wife, he should ask her in a manner that does not give her the feeling of servitude, humiliation, contempt or belittlement. Similarly, when the woman requests something from her husband, she should not overburden, hurt or harm him, nor should she use troublesome words. This behavior helps to preserve one's tongue and fulfill living equitably through speech. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) once asked ‘Aa‘ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, while he  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) was in the mosque (Masjid): “Give me the straw mat.” She, may Allah be pleased with her, said, “I am menstruating.” The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Your menstruation is not in your hands.” [Muslim].

Just look at how the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) asked a Mother of the Believers for something, and when she declined, she mentioned her Sharee‘ah-based excuse. She, may Allah be pleased with her, did not say no or that she could not without a justification; rather, she, may Allah be pleased with her, said that she was in her menstruation, awaiting instructions on what to do. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) replied: “Your menstruation is not in your hands,” meaning that she could simply hand it over since entering a hand into the mosque is not like entering the whole body.

The lesson we learn here is kindness in calling or requesting something. Marital problems may arise due to frequent requests. Scholars mentioned that when a man burdens his wife with many demands and his manner of demanding is bothersome, this would be one of the major reasons that ruin affection and love. A woman in this case feels as if she is a humiliated servant in her husband's house.

Wise men, with the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) before them, advised giving reward upon request, at least with kind words. For example, when the husband asks his wife to do something, and she does it, he should say kind words to her, such as supplicating to Allah The Almighty to grant her goodness and bless her. Once the wife realizes that her favor and goodness are appreciated, thanked and not denied, she will appreciate this from her husband and will actively do good to him and fulfill his needs. This will greatly help them live equitably together.

3- In conversations and jesting. The spouses should not talk to one another at inappropriate times. Some scholars said that it is harmful that a woman talks to her husband when he is tired and exhausted or that a man talks to his wife when she is tired and exhausted. This entails boredom and contradicts living in the kindness that Allah The Almighty enjoined. They added that when a man jests with his wife, he should use the best words, and when he relates something to her, he should select the best event that positively and fruitfully affects her.

(To be continued)