Beating the Child

“My children do not listen to anything I say. What should I do? Although I know that it is a wrong method, I usually scold and beat my children. I usually feel angry with them and then with myself. I can not bear this type of life; there must be another solution.” 

With these words, the sighs of the hopeless father who beats his children ended. He is confused between those who see that beating is the only solution and those who accuse him of neglecting his children and make him feel regretful. Due to the travails of those who assume the responsibility of the upbringing of children, I write these words:

Beating in the Eyes of Child-care Experts:

• 10 percent of parents harshly scold their children and do not see anything wrong with this 

• 20 percent of parents severely scold their children but do not wish to do so. They are looking for a better way to discipline their children. 

Even if I doubt these figures because I believe that the numbers are much more than this, few parents use beating correctly as a means of punishment. 

Specialists still have different opinions about the efficiency of punishment through beating. They also disagree whether or not this is an efficient practice employed in a sound upbringing. However, most of them believe that beating does not change the child's behavior. Rather, it is just a temporary remedy for the child's bad behavior, but in fact it teaches the child nothing.

Given this logic, specialists divided the parents' methods in punishing their children into three different methods:

1. The impulsive method:

This method is also known as the “day-long” method. Mostly, this method is a reaction of the parents to their children's behavior in their daily life. This is commonly used with young children in particular. Their parents are not quite serious when they beat them violently. They often pull their children by their clothes with one hand and move the other hand in the air. In most cases, the beating is symbolic and the child screams thereafter and then returns to play again. This is the so-called "beat the child on his hand" method. 

Many parents rashly use this method when their children do something wrong, like touching the electricity cord and similar actions. The children are excused because they neither know nor imagine that this is harmful. The parent should explain to his child why touching such things is not allowed and this justifies beating. Then, the parent should keep such things away from the child or keep him away from them and hence, the children will imitate him. If parents simply resort to beating, children too will just learn how to beat.

2. The anger method:

It is the most prevalent and the most harmful method. When you get angry and then scold and beat your child, this leads to a number of problems, including teaching your child how to provoke you and make you angry, and that his bad behavior causes you to lose control over yourself. Scolding and beating in moments of anger is impulsive behavior and is often a reaction to the child's bad behavior. If you scold your child and beat him when you are angry, you are unaware of what you are doing and you may harm your child.

When you scold and beat your child if you are angry, this creates negative feelings. Actually, you create these feelings inside yourself, your child as well as the rest of your family members. Such feelings could destroy your child's self-confidence due to extreme fear of parents and feeling that their parents have no confidence in them. Besides, the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) forbade us from getting angry when he said: “Do not get angry.”

When you scold your child or beat him when you are angry, you mostly do so out of revenge. Thereafter, your feeling of guilt gets more and more severe until it finally explodes. 

3. The planning method:

Although it is rarely used, this is the third method used by parents and it is the best method for those who want to punish their children through beating. It is when a parent talks to his child about an episode of bad behavior and tells him that he will be punished with a beating if he repeats such an action again. Say, for example, “If you use bad language, you will be punished by a beating.” When your child talks obscenely, you are required to quietly beat him. Quietness is crucial here because if you are not quiet, this means that you are using the anger method in punishing through beating. This method involves the implication: “beating you hurts me more than you.”

Nourish Your Child's Body and Mind

As parents, we try to protect our children from anything and everything that we feel may harm them. We warn them of the dangers of strangers; we teach them the importance of safety on the playground and during other outdoor activities; we caution them about crossing the street. But how much care and concern do we have about their nutrition and the food that goes into their bodies? Of course, we are worried about them getting enough to eat and drink; we want them to have three meals a day, we want them to want for nothing, but do we really care enough to ensure that they have eight glasses of water, five servings of fruits and vegetables, 5-7 servings of grains, etc? For most of us, the answer is an embarrassed "No." Surely, we care about our children, but we are just not diligent enough nor do we have enough time in the day to be sure that they have exactly the right amount of every type of food that they need.

Whether Toddler or Teen: Making Nutrition Fun

No matter how old or young our children are, it’s always our job while they are under our care and supervision to be sure that they are healthy and well cared for. One way to be sure of this is to be sure that they are eating well and making sure that they understand the importance of good nutrition. When our children are toddlers, this seems to present a completely different set of challenges. Young kids are picky about the colors and smells and textures of foods. They don’t like to try new things. Some studies indicate that it could take as many as eighteen attempts or suggestions before a child will try something new. As a parent, this can be frustrating and time consuming.

However, there are a few strategies that we can try to encourage our youngsters to eat their colors, shapes, textures, and everything in between:

1. Eat meals together. A family that eats together is likely to enjoy a variety of foods and the kids are more likely to eat broccoli or whole-wheat rolls if everyone else is eating them, as well. Also, in the midst of conversation, everything tastes better.

2. Disguise as many foods as you can, as a parent and cook. When possible, puree the spinach in your pasta sauce, serve whole wheat pasta instead of semolina. Be as creative as you can be and need to be; your family will get their essential vitamins and minerals, and you will have to fight with the kids that much less.

3. Offer variety whenever possible, as soon as possible. The older a toddler will get, the more he can get set in his ways. Kids can become incredible creatures of habit. Once they decide they love mac n’ cheese, for example, they might decide that this is all they want to eat for the next two months. If you can introduce many other foods to them and they are willing ‘to bite,’ then they will be more likely to not latch onto any one food. This will enable them enhance their diet significantly.

4. Set a good example. When our kids see us eating our fruits and veggies, drinking our eight glasses of water, choosing frozen yogurt over ice cream, they will begin to recognize the importance of taking care of the bodies that Allah Almighty gave us. More importantly, we can also teach them the importance of taking care of the bodies that Allah Almighty gave us. More importantly, we can also teach them the importance of moderation: Our children should learn as early as possible not to waste and not to overindulge. In fact, the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, recommended that we fill our stomachs one third with food, one third with drink and one third with air. Anything more than that would be considered indulgent - not to mention harmful to the body and can cause illness and laziness.

Food Fun for Toddlers

For older kids and teens, involving them in the food preparation process helps get them interested in food and nutrition. When they are between the ages of about 5-10, parents can ask children to help with simple tasks like the following:

1. Planning meals. Ask your child for ideas and suggestions on what they would like to have for lunch at school or for dinner for the whole family. Give them two or three choices and have them select one. They should choose a meat, a fruit and/or vegetable and some grain. Explain to them the significance and necessity of the different types of foods that our body needs.

2. Have your children help with the preparation whenever possible, and try to make it fun. They can chop the veggies and wash the rice; if you measure the spices, they can dump them into the saucepan. If you supervise, they can blend or puree with the blender or mixer.

3. Make your recipes fun. If you are having pizza for dinner, make mini pizzas instead. Buy mini dough and have each child prepare his or her own pizza. Lay out the sauce, cheese, and toppings and let them go wild. Of course, they have to help with the clean up, but you will be pleasantly surprised at how many veggies a child will eat when she makes her own pizza.

Teaching Teens Nutritional Essentials

Teens obviously can take on a lot more than merely chopping some onions and grating some cheese for you. Rather than dictating to them what's for dinner, why not have them tell you for a change? Let them choose one or two nights a week (when their school work's not such a load) and they can prepare dinner from start to finish. This can include deciding what to make, giving you a grocery list of what they'll need (or they can do the shopping themselves), making the meal (with or without your help) and then serving it. And yes, if they want to use our good dishes, we must allow it!

Teens will develop most of their habits and manners by this age about how they will raise their own children.

Allowing them to 'practice' in your home before they have one of their own is the best way to make sure that they know the importance of balanced meals, good nutrition, family meals together, gracious hospitality, and appropriate Islamic manners. As a vital part of their training, we should be sure that they know how to not only provide good food for themselves and their family, but how to do so efficiently, on a budget, in a pleasant manner, and with the best intention. This means that they need to keep in mind their health, their manners, their enjoyment, and their lifestyle.

As with every aspect of our lives, we have to incorporate Islamic manners and etiquettes. We have to be sure to give thanks before our meals; be grateful after each meal; be sure to give charity regularly to remember those who don't have as much as we do; avoid wasting food and throwing food out; avoid eating from that which is unlawful, and choose from foods and drinks that are permissible and good for us. There are manners and etiquettes that we should observe when it comes to eating and drinking. There are things that we should (and should not) say and do.

Our children learn from us these manners and it's up to us to teach them the best way to not only observe them but remember them at the opportune times and then be able to teach their own families when that time comes. As parents, we must set an example by showing them that it's not only important to put good food into our bodies but understand the significance of caring and respecting our bodies. We show our children respect for our mind and body by exercising, eating right, worshipping and giving due thanks. What our children learn from this will extend far beyond their youth; it will yield for them a lifetime of healthy and happy memories.

Source: Aljumuah magazine

The mother of my child

I'm not a mother. But I've been blessed with a great one for almost a quarter century. That's education enough, at least for one thing:

Choosing a partner who embodies the top four qualities I believe a mother must have to help their Muslim children, in the words of the Quran (which mean), {"He made her grow in a good manner…"} [Quran 3:37]. So here they are:

1. Maturity: This trait leads my list because the surest way to guarantee a child won't be reared properly is for it to be raised by another child. A woman of minimum maturity cares for the souls that have come from her womb like the Heavenly blessings they are: Far and away, the most important family responsibility for both mother and father. The wise woman knows the wellbeing of her offspring comes before her career, social life, even her own needs.

2. Knowledge: Education, both Islamic and academic (not that these are different), is essential in a good mother. It is not a coincidence that children of highly educated parents often do well in school. My prototypical mother is one who can help the little ones with their academics even when they get to be big ones and go on to higher education.

Moreover, a woman who is well grounded in the religious sciences makes the very best soil for child growth. That old adage about mother being the first teacher is entirely true.

During my own childhood, for instance, my mother made an effort to treat birthdays and our many other market-driven holidays just like any other day. I intend to liberate my children accordingly, having freely lived the great benefits of this policy. A good Islamic background does, indeed, have a righteous domino effect on the character of our children and, therefore, the virtue of the family.

Now, Islamic knowledge means more than giving children a laundry list of "do’s and don’ts." I was particular when I used the phrase "religious sciences" regarding a good mother's education, for a mother, like a father, needs to understand how it is that we come to judgments, practices, and jurisdictions from the Quran and Sunnah. In this way, children will not merely accumulate disconnected outcomes but learn the processes by which they are to deduce their own conclusions about moral and religious issues, instead of blindly following a person or group.

3. Patience and mercy: I really can't think of more crucial human characteristics than these twin attributes. Mothers facing the frenzied pressures of our tough social environment profoundly need both. It is critical that a good mother refrain from hitting or veiling at her children out of frustration, of which there is much to go around. Children carry the emotional scars of unnecessary and unfair beatings with them into adulthood and often develop complexes and hold grudges against their parents because of this. Additionally, it is sinful for any of us to abuse our authority in the form of harmful physical or verbal abuse.

4. Role modeling: The mother I envision for my own children is, most of all, a role model, an integrated example of Islam in motion. For it is by this that she will best represent for her children how one lives as a whole human being. It is, moreover, the preeminent, most dependable way for her to gain their sovereign respect, on top of the natural feelings they have for her as their mother, which is important. Children should live thinking that their mother is close to perfect. She can't forbid her child from listening to hip hop music, for example, while she sways to R&B or Arabic songs. Part of modeling is also literal: She dresses modestly and carries herself with the dignity a Muslim woman should.

This is not only ideal for daughters but sons, as well. The girls learn how they ought to behave and the boys— along with that—begin to understand what they should really want in a wife, someone whose merits approach the high standard they have grown up with in their mother.

I have no illusions about being able to supplant a mother's role in the life of the children I pray that God gives me. For rearing a child correctly does, indeed, take an exclusive dedication from a "real" woman.

Yet just as mothers grow proud of' their children, so too daughters and, perhaps, especially sons, swell with a unique sense of honor when they begin to realize the worthiness of their mother. Soon, they will be looking around to see how other mothers treat their children and comparing it to their own situations.

I ask Allah to grant me, and all my unmarried peers, children of the righteous who esteem their mothers. I know no human being is perfect. But good Muslim mothers (mom!), you come closer to this than any of us.

Common Mistakes in Raising Children

Having difficulty dealing with children has become a widespread phenomenon. Many parents seem to be quite at loss when it comes to enforcing good morals in their children. Research has shown that some parents use fruitless styles to achieve this goal. 

There are certain common mistakes parents make in bringing up their children -- both boys and girls. Parents may commit these mistakes out of either ignorance or negligence, despite meaning well. Ultimately, these parenting mistakes have negative repercussions on the righteousness and good qualities of the children. 

The following are some of these mistakes:

Rebuking children for every error: Despising and rebuking the child for every mistake he commits, in a way that makes him feel humiliated and inferior. This is a great mistake committed by some educators. The right way is to warn the child gently and leniently, and convince him why he should avoid his wrong behavior.

Reprimanding children publicly: If the educator feels the need to reprimand the child or admonish him, this should not be done in front of his siblings or friends; rather he should advise him alone.

Punishing children too harshly: Punishing children too harshly is a big parenting mistake. Researchers studying child behavior state that discipline is effective only when it is mild. For example, "time out" should not be for more than a few minutes, and depriving the child from some of his privileges should not be prolonged beyond one day.

Excessive pampering: Excessive pampering of the child and showering affection -- especially by the mother -- will lead to serious consequences on the child's psyche and his behavior. It will increase his diffidence, make him introverted, increase his fear, weaken his self-confidence, and make him lag behind his peers.

Delaying the process of education: The idea of disdaining and neglecting the early education of the child is completely wrong. The process of educating the child and guiding him should start immediately after weaning. Parents should start directing the child, guide him, command him to do certain things and not to do others, promise to reward him and threaten to punish him, and inculcate the love of good deeds and hatred of bad ones.

Accustoming children to laziness: Another aspect of parenting mistakes is when the mother, as a kind of mercy and kindness towards her child, does not allow him to take up activities and chores that he is capable of doing. This mistake makes the child lose his spirit of cooperation with the family in all aspects of life, especially in the sphere of performing his duties in service of the household. This causes the child to be dependent on others, lose his self-confidence and accustoms him to laziness.

Being overprotective: Some mothers commit another mistake by not letting the child stray far from her eyes even for a moment, fearing that he will be harmed. In fact, such over-protectiveness harms the child and does not benefit him.

Treating children unjustly: Favoring some children over others, whether in giving gifts or in kind treatment or in love, is another great mistake. Parents should be fair and just with their children.

Disparaging children: Disparaging children by silencing them or making fun of them when they talk and express themselves is another mistake. Consequently, the child will be less confident, less courageous in talking and expressing himself, and more shy in front of people.

Disregarding their feelings: Children need to be able to examine their feelings about things. One of the most common mistakes parents make is disregard their children's feelings - by telling them not to cry, for example. A better way to approach such a case is to show compassion towards them by letting children know that you know how they feel.

Compromising established rules: If parents make rules, the need to be ready to enforce them. Parents are not expected to set military standards for discipline for their children, but children should know that when parents say "No" it certainly means nothing else but "No". When kids learn that parents will not give in to their fits, they will simply stop throwing them.

Setting a bad example: Finally, committing forbidden acts in front of children like smoking, listening to music or watching movies is another vital mistake. Undoubtedly, this makes the parents and the educators bad examples to children.

The parent-child relationship in Islam

It is charity of a higher order to attend to their spiritual welfare, educational needs, and general well-being. Interest in and responsibility for the child’s welfare are questions of top priority.

According to the Prophet’s instructions by the seventh day the child should be given a good, pleasant name and its head should be shaved, along with all the other hygienic measures required for healthy growing. This should be made a festive occasion marked with joy and charity.

Responsibility for and compassion toward the child is a matter of religious importance as well as social concern. Whether the parents are alive or deceased, present or absent, known or unknown, the child is to be provided for with optimum care. Whenever there are executors or relatives close enough to be held responsible for the child’s welfare, they shall be directed to discharge this duty.

But if there is no next of kin, care for the child becomes a joint responsibility of the entire Muslim community, designated officials and commoners alike.

B. The child’s duties: The parent’s rights

The parent-child relationship is complementary. In Islam, parents and children are bound together by mutual obligations and reciprocal commitments. But the age differential is sometimes so wide as to cause parents to grow physically weak and mentally feeble. This is often accompanied by impatience, degeneration of energy, heightened sensitivity, and perhaps misjudgment.

It may also result in abuses of parental authority or intergenerational estrangement and uneasiness, something similar to what is now called the “generation gap”. It was probably in view of these considerations that Islam has taken cognizance of certain facts and made basic provisions to govern the individual’s relationship to his parents.

The fact that parents are advanced in age and are generally believed to be more experienced does not by itself validate their views or certify their standards. Similarly, youth per se is not the sole fountain of energy, idealism, or wisdom.

In various contexts, the Qur’an cites instances where the parents were proven wrong in their encounter with their children and also where children misjudged the positions of their parents.

Allah, The Exalted, Says (what means): And [mention O Muhammad], when Abraham said to his father Aazar, 'Do you take idols as deities? Indeed, I see you and your people to be in manifest error.'” [Quran 6:74]

Allah also Says what means: “And it sailed with them through waves like mountains, and Noah called to his son who was apart [from them], 'O my son, come aboard with us and be not with the disbelievers.' [But] he said, 'I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water.' [Noah] said, 'There is no protector today from the decree of Allah, except for whom He gives mercy.' And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned. And it was said, 'O earth, swallow your water, and O sky, withhold [your rain].' And the water subsided, and the matter was accomplished, and the ship came to rest on the [mountain of] Joodiyy. And it was said, 'Away with the wrongdoing people.' And Noah called to his Lord and said, 'My Lord, indeed my son is of my family; and indeed, Your promise is true; and You are the most just of judges!' He said, 'O Noah, indeed he is not of your family; indeed, he is [one whose] work was other than righteous, so ask Me not for that about which you have no knowledge. Indeed, I advise you, lest you be among the ignorant.'” [Quran 11:42-46]

More significant, perhaps, is the fact that customs, folkways, traditions, or the parents’ value system and standards do not in themselves constitute truth and rightness. In several passages, the Quran strongly reproaches those who may stray from the truth just because it seems new to them, or contrary to what is considered to be normal, or incompatible with the parents’ values.

Furthermore, it focalizes the fact that if loyalty or obedience to the parents is likely to alienate the individual from Allah, then he must side with Allah, as it were. It is true; the parents merit consideration, love, compassion, and mercy. But if they step out of their proper line to intrude upon the rights of Allah, a demarcation line must be drawn and maintained.

The Quran sums up the whole question in the master concept of ‘Ihsan’ (i.e. a strong sense of God-consciousness which constantly inclines a believer toward piety) , which denotes what is right, good, and beautiful. The practical implications of the concept of ‘Ihsan’ to the parents entail active empathy and patience, gratitude and compassion, respect for them and prayers for their souls, honoring their legitimate commitments and providing them with sincere counsel.

One basic dimension of ‘Ihsan’ is deference. Parents have the right to expect obedience from their children if only in partial return for what the parents have done for them. But if parents demand the wrong or ask for the improper, disobedience becomes not only justifiable, but also imperative. Obey or disobey, the children’s attitude toward parents may not be categorical submissiveness or irresponsible defiance.

The last integral part of ‘Ihsan’ to be mentioned here is that children are responsible for the support and maintenance of parents when the parents become weak and are unable to support themselves. It is an absolute religious duty to provide for the parents in case of need and help them to make their lives as comfortable as possible.

The Intelligent Educator

One day in the school Faris rushed to the headmaster’s room and entered hurriedly without seeking permission, for the matter was serious and needed to be addressed urgently. He cried at the top of his voice, “Sir! Sir! I have to tell you about something of great importance.”

The headmaster sat straight in his chair and paid great attention to Faris, put his hand on his shoulder and said to him, “Calm down! Calm down, my son! What happened? Lower your voice and speak quietly.”

The child said, “I have to tell you, headmaster, about something dangerous that takes place in our class.”

“What is happening, son?” the headmaster asked interestedly.

“I have seen some children in the class ridiculing the Mathematics teacher,” the child said, “and sticking clips on his clothes containing some humorous words while he did not notice. After that they joke with each other, laugh at and ridicule my teacher whom I love so much, and do not like anyone to ridicule. I warned them more than once that I would tell the headmaster, but they mocked my words and gave no importance to it.”

“May Allah reward you, Faris, for telling me about that,” the headmaster said, “and I appreciate your protective zeal for your teacher, and promise you that I will take suitable measures.”

“May Allah reward you, sir,” the child said.

In the class

“Beware, Majid,” Adam said.

“What is it, Adam?” Majid asked.

“Get into the classroom quickly and take your seat,” Adam said, “for the headmaster is inspecting the classes of the school.”

Suddenly, the headmaster entered the class where Majid and Adam were mocking the Mathematics teacher. The headmaster stood in front of all the pupils.

He said, “As-salaamu ‘alaykum.”

“Wa ‘alaykum as-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,” all the pupils replied together.

“How are your studies progressing? The time of the exams is very near,” the headmaster said.

“Fine, sir,” they all replied together.

“I am sure that only those students who make a great deal of effort will succeed in the end and Allah The Almighty will grant them excellence,” the headmaster said.

He added,

“No doubt, whoever has high ambitions should work day and night. But those who engage in playing and mocking teachers and particularly the Mathematics teacher will suffer great loss and failure. It is enough disgrace to ridicule one’s teacher and role model, which is also enough reason for failure. I have been informed that many boys do so. But I will not mention their names in order not to expose them to scandal. But I ask them to return to the right path lest Allah The Almighty become angry with them. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames. Wretched is the name of disobedience after [one's] faith. And whoever does not repent - then it is those who are the wrongdoers.}[Quran 49:11]

The headmaster concluded his speech with this Noble Verse. Then he turned his back to the pupils after he greeting them and left.

Both Adam and Majid were confounded, and none of them dared to speak, as if they were mute. But after the lesson, both Majid and Adam agreed to go to the Mathematics teacher to apologize to him, and go to the headmaster to thank him for his valuable advice.

An intelligent educator always uses hints rather than explicit condemnation.

Dear educator,

The headmaster was capable of entering the class, catching hold of a stick and beating all the pupils, or at least both Majid and Adam, and forcing them to apologize to the Mathematics teacher while the other pupils watched. An intelligent educator favors hinting to explicit condemnation, dialogue to clashing, and discussion to shouting. This is one of the means of successful education that each educator should choose in raising his children.

Parents should admonish their children when they act improperly. But the problem lies in the fact that during the process of admonishment, we ignore the child's identity, and think that because of the relation of kinship and his being under our care (as parents), he should listen and comply with all that we say to him. This is wrong. A child has overflowing emotions and an immature mentality. Therefore, we have to reduce the direct instruction and severe criticism as much as possible. No parent wants to destroy his child's self-esteem for the sake of rectifying him. Indirect hinting and advice always lead to the desired result, and are more palatable to the child, whereas continuous disparagement deprives him of his self-confidence.

You should learn, dear educator, that if you understand the psychology of your child well, particularly when he approaches the stage of adolescence, you would not resort to condemnation.

“What is the matter with some people who say such and such things?” That was the same method used by the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) with his Companions  may  Allah  be  pleased  with  them. With this method, the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) saved the face of those who made mistakes and made them correct their mistakes without disgracing them before the people.

The effectiveness of hinting

When the headmaster used this method of hinting with the children, he saved the child’s honor and did not humiliate him before others lest this would result in future psychological complexes.

Moreover, this method boosts mutual confidence and coherence between the headmaster and the children; and also boosts love, for the child always loves reassurance and comfort when his mistake is treated by his teacher and educator without putting shame on him before the people. This method will also correct the educational mistakes of other children who were not intended by the hinting.

When an educator defames a child at the first slip and humiliates him before his fellows in the name of "guidance", or insults him with foul words, perhaps before his friends with the goal of rectifying his behavior and preventing him from making any further mistakes, this, indeed, establishes in the child's heart rebellion and feelings of inferiority.

To clarify the importance of subtlety in changing the child's behavior, the author of The Sound Disposition says that when we ask some fathers about what they do when they are overwhelmed by anger, they usually say that they shout at or insult their children. Some say that they beat a little, and throw or kick things. However, even this response only curbs the behavioral problem temporarily. Therefore, what do their children learn? They learn how to shout, beat, throw and kick things when annoyed.

The method of hinting is highly effective and indicates the educator's intelligence, forbearance and patience.

How to raise our children

Cultivation in Islam is very important, for indeed all of the religion is based upon upbringing. It starts, first of all, with our own selves, then with our families, and then with the community at large. But this cultivation is most important with respect to our children, so that they are brought up upon the correct path of Islam.

Having children is a blessing from Allah; therefore, it is obligatory for the parents to take care of their children as they are held responsible for them. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Every one of you is a guardian and is responsible for the people under his guardianship…” [Al-Bukhari]

The Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) encourage us to bring up our children correctly; ordering us with righteousness and good conduct ourselves as well as ordering us to prevent our families from falling into that which would result in their own destruction. Allah Says (which means): “O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones...” [Quran; 66:6]

What follows are some practical steps towards establishing the correct cultivation of children.

Seeking righteous children:

When an individual wants to get married, they should have the intention to have righteous children and supplicate Allah to this effect. They should seek their children with the intention to increase the number of the Prophet’s nation, and to get Allah’s reward in this life and the Hereafter. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Marry women who are loving and very prolific, for I shall outnumber the nations (on the Day of Resurrection) by you [by your abundant number]." [Ahmad and Al-Bayhaqi]

If one has the correct intention at the beginning of the action, then he will yield its correct fruits at the end.

Setting a Good Example:

The parents should set the best example for their children. They should hasten to do that which is good and, likewise, hasten to abandon all that is evil. Children follow the example of their parents, and they love, respect and admire them. The parents are, therefore, the first and most lasting of examples for their children.

Putting emphasis on Religion:

Parents should consider Islam as the most important matter in their life. They should raise their child to know that the most important aspect of life is being upright in religion, clinging to it firmly. Allah Says (what means): “And this (submission to Allah, Islam) was enjoined by Ibraaheem upon his sons and by Ya’qoob, (saying), ‘O my sons! Allah has chosen for you the (true) religion, then die not except in the faith of Islam.” [Quran; 2:132]

Parents should supplicate Allah to guide their children and keep them upright. Allah Says that the believers say (what means): “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our own wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqoon (i.e. pious and righteous persons).” [Quran; 25:74]

Besides supplicating Allah, parents should also take the necessary steps in bringing up their children upon this religion.

Showing Love and Kindness towards Children:

The parent should treat his/her children with love and kindness, and should not always use harshness. However, if the situation requires harshness, and even hitting, then he/she should do so, as and when the situation requires it, but he/she should not make this his/her way (i.e. being always hard and harsh towards the children). We should not be like those people who are always hard upon their children as this may lead them towards further corruption and going astray.

On the other hand, we should not be like those who leave their children without any discipline, otherwise they will follow whatever way they like and do whatever they want.

Teaching Good Character:

The parent should aim to raise his/her children upon good character from a young age. He/she should teach them the Quran, the history of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) and that of the Companions, may Allah be pleased with them, as well. One should not leave his children to continue making mistakes saying that he will correct them when they get older, because it is indeed more difficult to correct a person when he has grown up adopting incorrect actions and bad characteristics. As a poet once said: “Whoever grows up upon something, he grows old upon that same thing.”

The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) used to train and bring up the children from a young age upon good manners and character. As can be seen in the Hadeeth of Al-Hasan, may Allah be pleased with him, in which he narrates how he once took a date from the dates of charity, and the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) stopped him and told him to take the date out of his mouth. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) explained to him that the dates were for charity, and that charity was not allowed for the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) or his family.

The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) did not leave Al-Hasan, may Allah be pleased with him, without instructing him; rather, he  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) stopped him from continuing in what he was doing and explained to him the correct way, in a kind and wise manner.

Being Just with Children:

The parents should neither oppress nor wrong any of their children. They should not show one of their children due favor more than other children, by giving him more or praising him more than any of the others. Indeed this type of favoritism can be a reason for the children swaying from the correct path and developing personal problems later on in life.

Spending Upon one’s Children:

The parents should be generous and spend on their children. They should take the necessary steps to earn lawful money and spend on their children in a manner that is correct. Indeed, anything that one spends on his family with the correct intention will be rewarded. The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: “Two Dinaars (golden currency) which you spend by way of charity, or two Dinaars which you give to the poor, or the two Dinaars which you give to your family; indeed the greatest of these as regards reward is that Dinaar which you spend upon your family.” [Muslim]

In conclusion, everyone should take care of his family, for if everyone in the society was to take care of the upbringing of their families and take care of their financial needs, then this would prove good and beneficial for the society as a whole. Contrarily, if everyone were to leave the affairs of their families and their children, then this would lead to the corruption of the society, and poverty would be widespread.

It’s all in a hug

Kids aren't mind readers, but they are capable of reading our body language

When we hear about the tragedies in the world, or about all of the people and children hurt in the worn-torn countries found all around the world; the millions of children who are starving to death or dying of illnesses ...we each should be much, much more thankful to our Creator for all that we have been blessed with and never, ever forget all those who are suffering in our Du’aa (supplications).

Making Du’aa and remembering all those suffering should be a regular occurrence in our households, and with our families. Our children, with all the available perks in life are completely oblivious to the suffering in the world unless we talk to them about it and remind them that for all that they have there are so many that have nothing. By the same token, we need to give ourselves a harsh reminder as well not to take things - specifically our families for granted, as we so often do.

Our children really need us to be there for them, not just to give them lunch – money or pay their allowances.... but to be their rock in the shakable and unsteady world they live in. Most importantly, we need to show them by words and actions, that we love them – at every opportunity we get.

A single action can say, and mean, a lot

We all have clear and concise memories of our parents – clear into our adulthood. We remember what they did, what they said, how they acted, even how they said things... and we also vividly recall what they didn't do or say. Sometimes just a single action in a particular moment can say, and mean a lot to a child, including and especially a teenager. Teenagers and tweens care a lot more about what we, their parent, think, than they would like to let on. So, while they may act like they could care less, there should be no doubt whatsoever that they care immensely.

Some kids, if they do not get adequate positive attention, act out with undesirable behavior to get any attention in any way possible even if it is negative attention from Mom or Dad. Something is always better than nothing, or not enough. Make the time, you may not have it later as we live our lives and get caught up in our own dramas, we often forget that our lives here are only temporary.

At any given time, Allah Almighty forbid it for us, there could be a car accident, a burglary gone bad, an indiscriminate drive-by shooting or let's face it a hate crime committed against any person in our family. People pass away from house-hold accidents every day and then there is illness, which could strike any one of us. These circumstances are all beyond our control and are real.

Because we live with such uncertainty and because we must realize and make our children also understand that they are not invisible... we must make the time to spend with our family and show them we love them; not tomorrow, but today - right now, this moment, because we may not have that time later.

We all have the habit of putting things off, publicly and privately. It is easier, life is busy, and there never is enough time in a day. However, we should take notice to never procrastinate with our love. We cannot afford to take time for granted when it comes to our religion or our family. Time spent on these two vital aspects of our lives is valuable time that is been very well spent.

Start with a hug

I know some of you may not have been raised in a home that displayed affection and the thought of it, the action itself, may be awkward and a little strange. But even if you didn't receive it as a child, know that your children need it from you. Hugging is a whole lot easier than you think, and once you get in the habit of doing it several times per day, it will become natural and a comfort to you and your children.

Comfort in a cuddle!

I make Du’aa that, if haven't already, you begin today by giving your kids a hug each day and tell them you love and care for them. It is such a comfort for a child, or wife or close friend for that matter, to be held close and enclosed in loving arms.

For anyone who may be skeptical about it, you should ask yourself why it seems scary to you. The Prophet Muhammad  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) was known to be very affectionate and caring towards his children and he  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) is our best example and role model as is featured in the following Hadeeth: Abu Salamah, may Allah be pleased with him, related that Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "The Prophet of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) kissed Hasan ibn ‘Ali while Aqra` ibn Haabis was sitting nearby. Aqra` said, `I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.' The Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) looked at him and said, `Those who show no mercy will be shown no mercy"' [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

After you have mulled that over for a while, then ask yourself: what do you really have to lose?

Be What You Want Your Child To Be

These are words that should be addressed to parents and mentors in order to achieve a general benefit: Whoever likes his child to be something, should first be that something.

Be a positive role model:

Dear parent, your child is attached to you. You are his role model and leader and the basic moral benchmark on which he depends in all that he does. So, be a positive role model for him to follow in your faith and worship of Allah The Almighty; and be a positive role model for him in your morals, manners and good treatment. In other words, be a positive role model in the complete sense of the word, through your practical treatment with your children, following the example of the Prophet.

Be fair:

If you are not fair, in no way can you be able to judge between two opponents even in a trivial case. Being so, what do you think of the whose case occupies you throughout your entire life? You would not be able to direct your child in the manner you like if he feels you prefer his brother over him. That is the kind of injustice which the child never accepts, as the Messenger of Allah, , did not accept earlier.

Be with him part of his time

Dear parents, you have no valid excuse before Allah The Almighty, nor any argument that is acceptable to the child to justify your failure to find a specific time to sit with him, which is his right over you and everyone should be given his due right. That is also the trust of responsibility, and Allah The Almighty commands you to give back the trusts to those who are liable to them. O you who leave your child to others to bring him up on your behalf; do not weep on the morrow because you are held guilty (for his negligence of you) for as you waste him when he is a child, he shall waste you when you grow old.

Be tolerant:

Frequent blame and reproach for everything, whether or not it is significant, inevitably leads to adverse results, the child would neither follow the given advice, nor would he give up (the mistake). The result would be that you would lose your position of awe and reverence in the sight of your child, who, in turn, would leave you and refrain from listening to you. Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, served the Prophet, for ten years, during which time he never heard from him (any word of rebuke even as trivial as) 'Uff'.

Be intelligent:

Utilize suitable opportunities and current events to implant all the values and morals you like in the heart of your child. What you give your child would then be imprinted in his heart, and become inerasable. The Messenger of Allah  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) made Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with him, ride behind him on a donkey, and of course, he (Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with him) was happy about riding behind the best of all creation on the same mount. He taught him words which remained not only in his memory but also in the memory of the whole Ummah (nation): "If you are mindful of Allah, He will protect you, and if you are mindful of Allah, you will find Him ever with you. When you ask for anything ask it from Allah, and if you seek help seek help from Allah. Know that if the people were to unite to do you some benefit, they could benefit you only with what Allah had written for you, and that if they were to unite to do you some harm, they could harm you only with what Allah had written against you. The pens (of writing the Divine decree) have been lifted and the pages have dried (of their ink)." [At-Tirmithi]

Similarly, the Messenger of Allah, , rescued the boy before bad habits were inculcated in his breast, and said to him once he noticed any kind of bad behavior: "O boy! mention the Name of Allah, and eat with your right hand and eat of what is nearer to you (in the dish)." [Al-Bukhari] The boy then did not forget it, as shown in his comment, "Since then I have applied those instructions when eating."

Be a storyteller:

A story has the influence of magic on the soul. It absorbs the child's mind and makes him live with its heroes. So, it is due on you, father and mother in particular, to pay special attention to relating stories to children. One-third the Noble Quran consists of stories about ancient people. Moreover, the Prophetic Sunnah contains many authentic stories. Therefore, you should employ those stories to be a source of reflection and giving lessons, as stated by Allah The Almighty when He Says (what means): {There was certainly in their stories a lesson for those of understanding.} [Quran 12:111]

Be patient:

Be patient when listening to the needs of your child, keeping in mind that you are talking to someone with limited mental faculties, so you should speak to him according to his understanding. Your perfect example, the Prophet, , tolerated and was patient with ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, while she was reclining against his back, looking at the display of the Abyssinians. In this context, she said, "(I continued watching) till I was bored” So you may deduce from this event how a little girl (who had not reached the age of puberty) who is eager to enjoy amusement should be treated in this respect."

Be a companion:

Dear parent, let each of you be a companion (to his child), so that you would attract him. No doubt, keeping company has a great impact on the child, and makes his heart like a blank page having all that the mother and father like to be imprinted on it. However, you are not the only companion of the child: there are evil friends who do their best to ruin what you build. So, occupy all the time of your child with your company, and be conscious before your child is stolen from you while you are heedless. Your company pleases him so much, and encourages him to relate his affairs to you and divulge his secrets. So, be his companion, encourage him and praise him a lot. Ibn ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, never left the night prayer after he heard the words of the beloved Prophet, : "What an excellent man ‘Abdullaah is! Were he to pray at night." [Al-Bukhari]

Be a watcher:

Dear parent, do not throw the seed (in the land) and then go and leave it, saying to yourself: I have been cultivating . However, you should wait for the harvest, otherwise, the blight of evil and corruption would come after you to eat your crop before you pluck its fruits. So, you should watch over your child in his morals, particularly truthfulness, for lying is the basis of all vices. When the Messenger of Allah, , liked to prevent a man from all kinds of evil, he said: "Do not lie." Watch over him in his friends and peers. Watch over him in his physical constitution and seclusion. Be careful, lest there arise factors that try to ruin what you have been building throughout the years, seeking the help of Allah The Almighty at all times.

A Practical Program for Raising Children

Bearing responsibility reflects a balanced personality:

The person who enjoys greater mental balance also possesses the ability to bear responsibility. Thus, a woman who bears responsibility for her children and their upbringing is someone who has a balanced personality. Evading responsibility clearly indicates one's immaturity and lack of psychological soundness. Therefore, the mother is responsible for bringing up her children in an Islamic manner – a righteous upbringing which embodies the noble manners that the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) was sent with, in order to perfect and instill them in people's lives. He  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) said: "I have been sent to perfect noble manners." [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]

Here we should stop and ask ourselves: What is the standard upon which we bring up our children? What are the means that help us to achieve this task?

First: To answer the first question every mother must ask herself: What is my standard for raising my children? What should I raise them to be? The basic standard for every Muslim mother in raising her children is Islam with its pure Sharee‘ah. Thus, a sound upbringing would rely on clear principles and sublime objectives.

How should we raise our children?

A Muslim mother should raise her children to have good manners and appropriate behavior. She has to raise them to venerate the ordinances of Allah, The Almighty, i.e., they are raised to perform prayer at the age of seven, to be attached to the Book of Allah, and to go to the Masjid where they meet good people and righteous friends. They should be raised to revive the Sunnah (traditions) of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) knowing his Seerah (biography) and battles that teach children patience and give them lessons which contribute to the formation of their character. Children should be raised to love others, maintain ties of kinship, be kind to the weak, respect the elderly, show mercy to the young, enjoy doing goodness, be truthful in their speech and actions and to fulfill promises. They should be brought up on righteous behavior by:

1- Warning against blind imitation

2- Avoiding living in excessive luxury

3- Keeping away from unlawful entertainment such as songs, music, and looking at prohibited things

4- Not imitating women (for boys)

5- Not displaying their beauty, adhering to Hijaab (Islamic covering), and not mixing with men (for girls)

6- Not entering any place where evil or unlawful or wasteful entertainment is practiced

By doing so, children will be brought up to attain purity, chastity, bravery, and abstain from frivolous matters and worldly distractions; thus, they will grow as practicing Muslims who live for Islam.

Second: The means that help in the upbringing of children

1- By habit

2- By setting a good example

3- By admonition

4- By observation

5- By punishment

Upbringing by inculcating good habits and disciplining at an early age is one of the strongest means of raising morally and spiritually sound children. A well-established fact in the Islamic Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation) is that man is born on pure Islamic monotheism and belief in Allah, The Almighty. This is confirmed by what Allah, The Almighty, Says (which means): {[Adhere to] the Fitrah of Allah upon which He has created [all] people. No change should there be in the creation of Allah. That is the correct religion.} [Quran 30:30] This is also confirmed by the saying of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ): "Every child is born upon Fitrah (natural disposition upon which Allah created mankind and which enables them to believe in the Oneness of Allah), but his parents make him a Jew, Christian or a Magian. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

This is where the role of habituation, instruction, and disciplining in raising children and getting them accustomed to noble manners and the etiquettes of the upright Sharee‘ah comes into play. When inculcating good qualities in her children, a mother must follow the method of encouragement by motivating them with kind words and gifting them, and if this fails, then by warning. Sometimes a mother is obliged to use a deterring punishment if she perceives its benefit in correcting deviation in the children. She has to distinguish between the younger and the older children while correcting them and getting them habituated to something. Each of them requires a unique approach to learning and upbringing.

The Islamic approach to correcting children is based on two main factors:

1- Instruction: which represents the theoretical aspect

2- Habituation: which represents the practical aspect in the upbringing process.

With regard to instruction, for instance, the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ) ordered the parents and guardians to instruct their children to say, "There is no deity truly worthy of worship but Allah," and thus it is an act of the Sunnah to announce the Athaan (call to prayer) in the ears of the newborn baby.

One example of habituation is the saying of the Prophet  sallallaahu  `alayhi  wa  sallam ( may  Allah exalt his mention ): "Order your children to pray at the age of seven, and beat them for not praying at the age of ten, and separate their beds." [Al-Albaani: Hasan] By doing so, prayer will become a daily habit to the child and will be an act of worship when he grows mature.

The Islamic approach to correcting older children is based on three main factors:

1- Connecting the children with Islamic creed: This develops a sense of being conscious of Allah, The Almighty, in the mind of the older child and leads to fearing Allah in secret and in public. Accordingly, it strengthens his will, helping him to give up prohibited matters and adopt the best manners.

2- Disclosing what is evil: An older child can be convinced to relinquish evil acts and develop the determination to abandon vice when the nature of evil is disclosed to him. Moreover, he will be comfortable and assured about giving up every sinful and wicked act in this manner.

3- Changing the social environment: A good environment has a great impact on one's upbringing, reforming one's character and habituating the individual to righteous deeds. We know the Hadeeth of the man who killed one hundred people and came to ask the most knowledgeable man on earth if he could repent. The answer was, "Travel to such-and-such land as there are people worshiping Allah, The Almighty; so worship Allah with them and do not return to your land because it is a land of evil." [Muslim]

Dear Muslim mother, make your children used to being good and righteous, for being good is an invaluable habit.